The Numerous Tomfooleries of the Peach Girl
by Foskowitz
Summary: Momo declares her love for hot pockets and her hate for Sae! Kairi helps! Fire and Motorcycles, Behold!
1. Chapter 1

**The Numerous Tomfooleries of the Peach Girl and Her Confederation of Bandits**

Chapter One: All's Fair in Love and More

One day, the persnickety peach-like maiden Momo set out to apprehend the school's hot-pocket burglar. Her high school was a haven of debauchery and infidelity. It just so happened that hot pockets were her favorite American food and thus she embarked on a quest to apprehend the one who kept stealing the breaded pouches of ham and cheese that she so lusted for.

She walked down the hallway and used her sleuthing skills to eventually deduct that it was Sae, her intolerable bag of a rival that was instigating these thefts. Momo eventually confronted Sae over this inhuman crime once the school day was over.

Sae was standing by the flag pole reading _Atlas Shrugged_. Momo had just about enough but had to know her motive.  
>"Why? Why would you take that which giveth me such divine pleasure?" She inquired.<p>

"I believe you just answered your own question, bitch."

Sae threw the book as it became a projectile fireball. Momo back-flipped out of its path, but by the time she landed, Sae was engulfed in flames. Momo considered fighting back, but had no way of countering her powers of immolation. Suddenly, she heard a male voice from off in the distance.

"Hey Momo, water you waiting for?"

She turned to see her associate Kairi wielding a fire hose. He raised it up and fired it at full blast. The high pressure stream caught Sae head-on and she collapsed soaked and naked from having her clothes burned off.

Momo and Kairi approached the crumpled mess and interrogated her.

"Hot pockets. Where they at?"  
>Sae pointed at a crate not twenty feet away and began to focus on it. It began to smoke and the contents exploded into the air.<p>

"If I can't have them, no one can!"

Momo stared into the sky with her mouth agape until she unintentionally caught one in her mouth. She lorded over her rival the taste of victory.  
>All of a sudden, a bright flash caught the three by surprise. From the hole of light erupted Toji, Momo's main squeeze, on a bitchin' futuristic motorcycle. Looking deadly serious, he made a profound declaration.<p>

"You three, we have to travel to the past to save the future!"

"Right on!" Kairi responded, "But there's only room for two on your hog!"

Two sidecars materialized on each side of the vehicle. Kairi, Momo and even Sae boarded the monstrosity. Sae was no longer nude as her gang of personal fire gremlins brought in a skintight silver dress designed to withstand the flames. She kissed each of them goodbye and told them that they could experience freedom until she makes it back. Toji braced for another trip through time and space.

"First stop, San Fernando, 1951!"

The quartet blasted off into another time rip, expecting yet another interesting narrative device. Let's hope they're not disappointed!


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two: The One Where Toji Does Stuff

The motorcycle accelerated down the road with the four hanging on as tightly as they could.

"Look out Universe! I'm gonna rip you a new time hole!" Toji yelled into the crackling air as the motorcycle shot out a portal into the wild unknowns of time and space. The bike kept accelerating faster and faster into an unholy oblivion of light and darkness intertwined into a cosmic tunnel. The path thinned and thinned into a very sexy singularity. It was churning out bit after bit of time refuse. As they were almost about to be compacted into anti-matter dust; Toji's voice pierced into what could literally be interpreted as the heavens.

"Not now! Not ever! God's wrath, I commandeth thee, BEGONE!"

With enough force to shatter a man's knee, Toji raised his index finger and brought it crashing down to a button on the bike's control panel. Anti-matter shielding coated the vehicle and its occupants as they went screaming into the singularity's epicenter. They erupted out of the other side, a multicolored void with platforms of hard light guiding them to their next destination. Kairi was the first to speak.

"That was literally the most badass thing that I've ever seen. Ever."

"That was only phase one, youngling" Toji said with enough weight to bring an aircraft carrier into the briny deep.

"What are those?" Momo yelled. Approaching from behind were a gang of scaly mutants on their own pack of hover bikes. Toji checked his mirror.

"Shit! Gravity Goblins! "

"What do we do?" Kairi asked fearfully. The Gravity Goblins began firing upon our heroes with inertia rays. After 45 seconds of not saying anything, Sae cracked out this gem:

"Those who know that they cannot win by means of logic, have always resorted to guns!"

She lit ablaze and began pulverizing the approaching threat with giant hammers of flame and hate. As his comrades were hit by the incendiary arcs, the leader of the Goblins called in reinforcements. Not only did more teleport in via space-time cracks, but get this; energy dragons began to appear and cut our heroes off.

Toji was not to go out this way.

"Activate infinity turrets!"

On each side car, turrets materialized in a blast of light. Toji barked out his orders.

"Sae! Switch places with Momo! Momo, Kairi; take the helms of each turret. I'm going all in! AUTOPILOT ENGAGE!"

They followed orders and kept the dragons at bay with infinity charges. Toji, then jumped out of the bike and sliced the Goblin's leader in half with his green energy blade.

"Banzai motherfucker!"

The two halves of the Goblin leader flopped off his hover bike and dissipated into vector grids.

"Um, Toji?" Kairi yelled back to his compatriot "Shit's getting real!"

As he said this, the energy dragons formed into a mighty hydra approaching their vessel. Toji charged forward on the hover bike, carefully avoiding Sae's blazing mallets of destruction as they were still making short work of the dwindling Gravity Goblins.

He passed in front of his crew and jumped out of the hover bike.

"I won't give you the satisfaction!"

His blade grew twice its size and started to spark at a whitish-blue hue. He made his descent with his weapon pointing downward. It tore into the energy hydra's glowing visage until its core exploded with enough power to send him twenty feet upward.

"HOMING"

The time bike homed in on his location and flew up to catch him. By the time this was said and done, the infinity turrets and fire hammers had destroyed the Gravity Goblins for good.

The four then arrived at their destination inexplicably. San Fernando was but a smoldering crater. They were going to find out about the monster that did this. Btw, it was a demon.

TUNE IN NEXT TIME. SAME PEACH TIME, SAME PEACH CHANNEL.


End file.
